Talk about your ups and downs

My moods change so much! After talking to Brent the other night about how I was feeling, I ended up feeling worse! Brent said he just isn't ready which basically turned into it probably being drug on and on. However the next day and again today he told me that he has been thinking about this a lot and on his own and in about 2 week intervals, seeing if he is ready. AND, he even gave me a date. He said he feels by March he should be a little more prepared. Even though this is further out than February, I feel more at peace. I know he heard me and understood how I felt and he came back to me with how he is feeling. I am very blessed to have Brent as my husband. He brings me back to reality, even if I don't like it at the moment. I am still trying to get prepared and work on things I need to work on and I am actually glad I have more time for that. But I do feel like were a good step ahead of the game... We are both home bodies! It's news year Eve and we are sitting at home, sipping sparkling juice, and playing monopoly. That's a good start ;)

Losing a little hope

Once again, I have decided somehow, a way it would be cute if we started trying this month. The first fertile day would be January 1st. What a way to start off the year! However, I feel like I am losing hope. It now seems that we will be waiting until February. Brent started his own business and we have to wait to make sure everything works out ok. All that makes sense, but I just don't know what would prevent us from trying to conceive. Were still waiting on insurance, but we'll get that. I'm starting to lose hope because I'm afraid Brent's going to come up with something every month. I agree with wanting all our ducks in a row before we start trying, but not becoming too critical. Like I said, you can always come up with a reason for it to not be the right time. Brent knows I feel like this, and he tells me that's not the case, i just wish there was something he could do to get me to really understand. Maybe him setting the date that we start trying, or saying realistically once a,b,c, and d are done. Otherwise I feel like it just drags on. I'm just feeling a little sad I guess. I have so much to be thankful for but I just can't shake this sad feeling this week. It's not exactly a sad feeling, it's like I'm missing someone kind of. Not really jealousy, feeling like you can't wait for that, it's more I want my baby. I was in this sad mood earlier and then we went to Christmas and Brent's cousin and his wife have a 9 month old daughter. It made me feel happy but sad. I honestly can't explain it. Maybe it is just jealousy, I'm not sure. But I am pretty sure my mood and feelings can and probably will change in just a very short matter of time. For now I have to get my mind off this and think, or day dream about something else. 

Are you pregnant?!

 once you get married the next question is, when are going to have a baby. I got my fair share of that question. Now that we've been married for a year (December 22) the question has changed to "are you pregnant". Every thing I do seems like it is so closely watched and that there is a reason for everything I do. Brent and I quite drinking awhile ago and you could just tell people were wondering if it's because I was pregnant and they would try ask in discrete ways. If i were having a bad day and was crabby it seemed like everyone kind of let it slide, incase I were pregnant. Then it started to change from wonder to speculation. If I didn't feel well people would say maybe you're pregnant. Then it changed from speculation to assumption. That where I am now. Last week I wore a regular blouse, maybe a little more flowy, I got asked if I'm hiding a baby bump. My mom called me to see if I were pregnant. When we do get pregnant I'm not going to have to tell anyone, I just won't have to deny their assumptions. At first it didn't bother me, it made excited for when we are expecting and the attention we'll get And how fun it will be to tell everyone. Now it makes me a little sad because I wish I were. Also there is no way I'd be able to keep it a secret until the second trimester. I am so bad at lying, I literally cannot lie so it would be a give away. I am sure when we so get to announce it it will be awesome but I sure wish people would stop assuming I'm pregnant. On a different note, I'm very surprised how patient I am to start trying. I thought I was going to get extremely antsy when January was getting closer but I am pretty relaxed and trying to live in the moment. But don't let that fool you, i still daydream and talk about it ;) and of course like I say every month, this month would be way too perfect to conceive. But for real!!! I am expected to get my period on Christmas, what a perfect gift would that be to find out ON CHRISTMAS! I told you it was perfect. But I'm still relaxed about it. It is now in my head like oh that would cute, but it's not something I want to happen just a cute thought. If I have been able to come up with how perfect the dates are to find out every month, I'm sure I'll be able to continue doing that until we do conceive. 

Fear

I am so scared to be a bad mother that sometimes I think I shouldn't even try. My parents weren't the best and I fear that bad parenting will be passed down to me no matter how hard I try. I think that's why it's so important for me to be 'practicing' on the animals. I want to make sure I am not a bad parent. I know I'll make mistakes, but I'm talking about huge on going issues. I so desperately want to have children so they can hopefully become good people, that make the world better, and to just be truly happy with life and love it. I have been depressed my whole life, and I think fully it's because of how I was raised. What if my mom said the exact same things I am saying and then something jut happened and parenting went out the window. Or what if she really did the best she could. What if I do the best I can but it isn't good enough. I didn't have a lot of positive things to go off of, instead I go off what I don't want to be like. Practice does make perfect and I am glad I have the animals. Brent tells me I will be a great mom. He can tell because of the way I interact with the animals. I hope I can be a good mother. I can't just be selfish and have a kid because I want one. I have to be ready and ready for every single challenge. I am very thankful that we are starting to prepare now for when we try. Getting off all meds, no alcohol, reading the bible, prayer before dinner, going to church. I want those things to be habit for us, so our children will learn to do those things too. I just want to be the best person I possibly can be so my future children will have the best mother they can have. 

Practice makes perfect ; )

I am so excited to be pregnant, waiting for our little one to arrive, reading a million books, going to classes, and still probably having no clue what we are doing. I have never done anything with a baby except hold it. Everyone laughs when I say our cat, Miko, is good practice. When he was little he used to want to be held all the time. After he has a nap he wants to be snuggled. He hates if I leave a room and has to follow me. He loves his butt tapped and you can put him to sleep from it. If he gets scared he always comes right to me. I love to rock him to sleep. I love bouncing him and walking around, he loves it. I realize a cat is nothing like a baby, but for someone who desperately wants a baby, and is trying to be patient, doesn't this seem like a perfect solution? It kind of gives me my baby fix. And we 'parent' our animals and always end up talking about when we have kids and what were going to do and I think having the animals and treating them like kids is great practice. Sometimes I like to be silly, but secretly serious. Tonight I was holding Miko and saying we should practice holding a newborn, so I was supporting his head and gave him to Brent and told him to support his neck. I just get irritated when people say mean things about it. I am not seriously thinking I have to do these things, and I'm not pretending our cat is a baby, I just love doing certain things with him that you would do for a baby. It helps me get my baby fix, and also makes me want a real baby even more. But no matter what anyone says, practice makes perfect ; )

Two funerals, a birthday, and ovulation

What a hard week. My friend from college went into cardiac arrest last Friday and has basically been on life support all week. Yesterday she passed away. It has been an emotionally draining day, an it's my birthday. I'm not in a celebration mood. However my neighbor Kris took me out to lunch and then we made a Christmas craft. That was much needed today. It took my mind off all the sadness this week and I always enjoy her company. Last night Brent took me to dinner too. That was really nice and we got our wedding rings cleaned and he bought me a new band for my charm bracket, the other one was too big, so that was really nice. Tonight we were going to go to my cabin, but I would rather stay home and have a quiet evening with my husband. I told him for my birthday I want to make a baby haha. And God has a mean sense of humor... This is right in the window of opportunity! You would think I would be crazy about it this month. How much more perfect right, my birthday! What a present.  But with my friend passing, and other things that went on this week having a baby at this exact moment doesn't seem that important. Don't get me wrong, it is miraculous, and very important. I would be nothing but joyful. However I realize even more now that obsessing about things that are not happening now make you miss out on what really is important at this very moment. Instead of being sad about not making a baby (although every birthday wish has been for that!) I am very thankful ad blessed for what I do have. A very loving husband who tries so hard to make everything perfect for me. And the most amazing neighbor and friend that is always there for me. I didn't have a birthday like I normally do, but so far it has been exactly what I needed. Not only taking my mind off losing my friend, but taking it off obsessing over how amazing the timing is to have a baby. I really do want this to be planned out, not spontaneous because I think it's magical timing. I guarantee you I will be able to come up with some reason on any give day why that is the perfect day we conceived. Today it's just a perfect day to have a birthday and be with the people I are about most. 

Dreaming of you baby

Last night was the first time I had a dream of a baby. It was an extremely odd dream though. The coolest part was that I actually saw the baby's face. Normally in dreams faces are blurry, but I saw what was our baby's face crystal clear. I have to point out too that it was a girl ;) last night we were talking about when we have a baby, which is pretty normal, and we weren't talking about things we really haven't talked about so I don't know what triggered this dream. Maybe it's just becoming more of a reality now. It's going to be crazy once we start trying. I'm already obsessed and now having dreams? Normally I don't do much talk of babies until after I have ovulated, because then there is always that rare possibility I could actually be pregnant. I am glad though because I am getting excited thinking this time next year we could have a baby! I'm proud that i have the mind set of next year and not just wishing it was now. Hopefully my mind set stays the same after ovulation. It is a lot more fun not "worrying" if I am pregnant. Because as much as I want a baby right now, I want to be trying  so it's not a shock to me, Brent, or anyone. I don't want to worry about anyone's reaction, especially Brent's. 

Its so obvious later on

I have been so impatient for almost a year about having a baby. If Brent would have agreed to start trying right away and we did get pregnant I realize now that we wouldn't have been able to handle it. I keep saying it will happen when God knows it's the right time, so why don't I listen? Brent and I have learned a lot this past year, about ourselves and each other. It is so easy to look back and thank God for unanswered prayers. Awhile back I prayed for patience, but God doesn't just give you patience, he gives you situation for you to learn patience. God answered that prayer of mine but I haven't been trying my hardest. There are two more months until we finally are going to start trying for a baby, I want to take this time to prepare as much as I can. I isn't want to just let the next two months go by, I want to enjoy these two months for what they are, a blessing. It seems so unfair and cruel that I don't have a baby yet, but in reality it's been a blessing. I want to be the best me possible so our baby will have a mother that lives up to her potential. Yes I have been impatiently waiting the past 10 months, but for the next two I will learn patience. That doesn't mean I can't talk about it, think about it or anything like that. It means I can't get dissapointed that it hasn't happened. 

You win some you lose some

Of course I got my period this morning at 6am. I am not even upset about it. Maybe deep down I knew. This clearly is not the right time and I am ok with that. I'm not sure if I would be ok with having to wait another year, so January better be the month we start trying! I think every month I have that itch in the back of my mind thinking what if I am pregnant this month. I want to go the rest of the time not being obsessed with it. I have to trust God completely and just be a wife right now. Our time will happen. 

Maybe one MORE day?

Well, I didn't get my period today. It really doesn't feel like I'm going to get it but I am nervous to be wrong. I could have gotten my period a day later than I thought. I just don't want to get myself worked up just to be disappointed. About a week before my period was due I had a tiny bit of spotting, and I have had heartburn for about 3 days now. Could it be? I want it so bad but am also nervous. I thought for sure I would take a pregnancy test tomorrow if my period didn't show up, but now I think I might want to wait another day (which I'm sure will go into days). I don't want to take a test and then later that day my period shows up. I'm also scarred of if being negative. I'm sort of in limbo at the moment, I can either be leaning towards yes or no. Where if I took a test I would have to face reality. I haven't told Brent yet that I am now two days late. I have lots I reason for that. I am nervous for his reaction; he could keep saying he doesn't think I am, and then if I am pregnant I would feel really sad thinking he doesn't want a baby. I can tell he is getting excited about having a baby, I just know he doesn't think the timing is right. And I agree, but were thinkig about it as if we would have a baby in our arms this month. 8-9 months down the road who knows if we'll be ready or not, only God knows that. 7th heaven was on TV and we were watching it. Lucy was telling Kevin that she wants a baby and she wants one now and Kevin asked if she was already pregnant and she was. The entire situation seemed just like ours. I asked Brent what he would do if that happened to us, and he said he would be happy. I am more anxious tonight than I was yesterday. It is really hard for me to not be telling Brent exactly what I am thinking, but I am just too scared to be wrong. Also I am not sure if I want him to know I'm thinking I could be pregnant, because I am not sure if I want him to find out when I do, or if I am pregnant, if I want to surprise him. Figure out a cute way to tell him. I want to confide in a friend, but would it be wrong for Brent to not be the first person to know I even think I might be pregnant? Lots of cofusion and wonders going on in my head. We will see what happens and see what God wants. 

One more day

Since we got married in December of 2012, I have been wanting a baby. We're not trying to conceive, but every month I hope there's an "oopsie". My husband Brent knows how crazy I am going about this and we decided that we will hopefully be trying in January!!!! This past month we weren't as cautious as we should have been and have a higher chance of conceiving. I haven't been obsessing with it as much as normal but today my period is one day late. I am just hoping it doesn't show up tomorrow. Brent and I have been talking more and more about when we have a baby and tonight we were talking about what will be the baby room. We were talking about colors and themes. I just cannot wait until we are talking about all this with a little baby growing inside of me. I have been so conscious about what I was feeling, trying to tell if I had symptoms or not, I think I started creating them! This month, now that there is a higher chance if actually being pregnant I haven't looked up anything or been monitoring how I feel. My sister was visiting and I mentioned something was bothering me and she asked if I was pregnant. I laughe and said no, not even thinking about it. Today I have been so nervous about getting my period. I am so thrilled it hasn't shown up. It seems like it would be way too early to notice any symptoms. The only thing is that my boobs are killing me, but they hurt everytime I am about to get my period. I don't want to jinx anything and I don't want to stress about it. If I don't get my period tomorrow I will take a test on Monday. I have never been 2 days late. I am worried how I'll handle it if I do end up getting my period. I am normally an emotional person to begin with. I just have to trust God and know that his timing is perfect.