Talk about your ups and downs

My moods change so much! After talking to Brent the other night about how I was feeling, I ended up feeling worse! Brent said he just isn't ready which basically turned into it probably being drug on and on. However the next day and again today he told me that he has been thinking about this a lot and on his own and in about 2 week intervals, seeing if he is ready. AND, he even gave me a date. He said he feels by March he should be a little more prepared. Even though this is further out than February, I feel more at peace. I know he heard me and understood how I felt and he came back to me with how he is feeling. I am very blessed to have Brent as my husband. He brings me back to reality, even if I don't like it at the moment. I am still trying to get prepared and work on things I need to work on and I am actually glad I have more time for that. But I do feel like were a good step ahead of the game... We are both home bodies! It's news year Eve and we are sitting at home, sipping sparkling juice, and playing monopoly. That's a good start ;)

Losing a little hope

Once again, I have decided somehow, a way it would be cute if we started trying this month. The first fertile day would be January 1st. What a way to start off the year! However, I feel like I am losing hope. It now seems that we will be waiting until February. Brent started his own business and we have to wait to make sure everything works out ok. All that makes sense, but I just don't know what would prevent us from trying to conceive. Were still waiting on insurance, but we'll get that. I'm starting to lose hope because I'm afraid Brent's going to come up with something every month. I agree with wanting all our ducks in a row before we start trying, but not becoming too critical. Like I said, you can always come up with a reason for it to not be the right time. Brent knows I feel like this, and he tells me that's not the case, i just wish there was something he could do to get me to really understand. Maybe him setting the date that we start trying, or saying realistically once a,b,c, and d are done. Otherwise I feel like it just drags on. I'm just feeling a little sad I guess. I have so much to be thankful for but I just can't shake this sad feeling this week. It's not exactly a sad feeling, it's like I'm missing someone kind of. Not really jealousy, feeling like you can't wait for that, it's more I want my baby. I was in this sad mood earlier and then we went to Christmas and Brent's cousin and his wife have a 9 month old daughter. It made me feel happy but sad. I honestly can't explain it. Maybe it is just jealousy, I'm not sure. But I am pretty sure my mood and feelings can and probably will change in just a very short matter of time. For now I have to get my mind off this and think, or day dream about something else. 

Are you pregnant?!

 once you get married the next question is, when are going to have a baby. I got my fair share of that question. Now that we've been married for a year (December 22) the question has changed to "are you pregnant". Every thing I do seems like it is so closely watched and that there is a reason for everything I do. Brent and I quite drinking awhile ago and you could just tell people were wondering if it's because I was pregnant and they would try ask in discrete ways. If i were having a bad day and was crabby it seemed like everyone kind of let it slide, incase I were pregnant. Then it started to change from wonder to speculation. If I didn't feel well people would say maybe you're pregnant. Then it changed from speculation to assumption. That where I am now. Last week I wore a regular blouse, maybe a little more flowy, I got asked if I'm hiding a baby bump. My mom called me to see if I were pregnant. When we do get pregnant I'm not going to have to tell anyone, I just won't have to deny their assumptions. At first it didn't bother me, it made excited for when we are expecting and the attention we'll get And how fun it will be to tell everyone. Now it makes me a little sad because I wish I were. Also there is no way I'd be able to keep it a secret until the second trimester. I am so bad at lying, I literally cannot lie so it would be a give away. I am sure when we so get to announce it it will be awesome but I sure wish people would stop assuming I'm pregnant. On a different note, I'm very surprised how patient I am to start trying. I thought I was going to get extremely antsy when January was getting closer but I am pretty relaxed and trying to live in the moment. But don't let that fool you, i still daydream and talk about it ;) and of course like I say every month, this month would be way too perfect to conceive. But for real!!! I am expected to get my period on Christmas, what a perfect gift would that be to find out ON CHRISTMAS! I told you it was perfect. But I'm still relaxed about it. It is now in my head like oh that would cute, but it's not something I want to happen just a cute thought. If I have been able to come up with how perfect the dates are to find out every month, I'm sure I'll be able to continue doing that until we do conceive. 

Fear

I am so scared to be a bad mother that sometimes I think I shouldn't even try. My parents weren't the best and I fear that bad parenting will be passed down to me no matter how hard I try. I think that's why it's so important for me to be 'practicing' on the animals. I want to make sure I am not a bad parent. I know I'll make mistakes, but I'm talking about huge on going issues. I so desperately want to have children so they can hopefully become good people, that make the world better, and to just be truly happy with life and love it. I have been depressed my whole life, and I think fully it's because of how I was raised. What if my mom said the exact same things I am saying and then something jut happened and parenting went out the window. Or what if she really did the best she could. What if I do the best I can but it isn't good enough. I didn't have a lot of positive things to go off of, instead I go off what I don't want to be like. Practice does make perfect and I am glad I have the animals. Brent tells me I will be a great mom. He can tell because of the way I interact with the animals. I hope I can be a good mother. I can't just be selfish and have a kid because I want one. I have to be ready and ready for every single challenge. I am very thankful that we are starting to prepare now for when we try. Getting off all meds, no alcohol, reading the bible, prayer before dinner, going to church. I want those things to be habit for us, so our children will learn to do those things too. I just want to be the best person I possibly can be so my future children will have the best mother they can have.