Fear

I am so scared to be a bad mother that sometimes I think I shouldn't even try. My parents weren't the best and I fear that bad parenting will be passed down to me no matter how hard I try. I think that's why it's so important for me to be 'practicing' on the animals. I want to make sure I am not a bad parent. I know I'll make mistakes, but I'm talking about huge on going issues. I so desperately want to have children so they can hopefully become good people, that make the world better, and to just be truly happy with life and love it. I have been depressed my whole life, and I think fully it's because of how I was raised. What if my mom said the exact same things I am saying and then something jut happened and parenting went out the window. Or what if she really did the best she could. What if I do the best I can but it isn't good enough. I didn't have a lot of positive things to go off of, instead I go off what I don't want to be like. Practice does make perfect and I am glad I have the animals. Brent tells me I will be a great mom. He can tell because of the way I interact with the animals. I hope I can be a good mother. I can't just be selfish and have a kid because I want one. I have to be ready and ready for every single challenge. I am very thankful that we are starting to prepare now for when we try. Getting off all meds, no alcohol, reading the bible, prayer before dinner, going to church. I want those things to be habit for us, so our children will learn to do those things too. I just want to be the best person I possibly can be so my future children will have the best mother they can have.