Making good habits now?

I wonder if I should enjoy my sleep now, or learn to jump right up as soon as the alarm goes off. Brent gets up about a half hour before I do. I make his lunch right before he leaves for work. My days are pretty easy and I lounge around quite a bit. Should I be enjoying this, or preparing for an uproar? I know it takes a while to form a habit, good or bad, but if I start to prepare for things, like getting up better and getting things done right away, will it just all be shot anyways once we have a baby? Can you really prepare for it? I can function without sleep, iv been an insomniac my whole life, so I enjoy sleep now when I can. It's just built in a women to wake up at every slight noise, which iv also always done. It's been fun watching how Brent natural is beginning to prepare for a baby, and he doesn't even realize it! He used to sleep straight through the night, it was so hard for me wake him up in the middle of night. Now if there is a noise he instantly wakes up and if it's loud enough or weird enough he goes and checks on everything and the animals. Another way he is maturing to parenthood readiness, he used to be very passive with the animals. If they were on the table he would say oh sorry you have to get down, and gently pat them down. Now, he is very stern. If a cat jumps on the table he says their name in a deep voice and sternly tells them to get down. Maybe I am subconsciously preparing for parenthood too? But my obsessive personality wants to prepare like crazy. I think part of that is because I didn't grow up in a perfect family. Very far from it. I think back and wonder why my parents even had kids, it seemed like they just didn't care. I want to be the best parent I can be, and I want to start before we have a baby. So along with working out and eating healthy, I'm going to start getting up right when Brent does and make his lunch and then do some other things, like getting the dishes done, starting laundry, picking up. I could get so much done! I don't know if this will help to make things run more smoothly when we have a baby, but it WILL make things run more smoothly now. And if things are running more smoothly, there will be less stress and anxiety, which means less room for fights between Brent and I, and all of that will help the baby making process ;) 

Be still and know...

I have not been obsessing at all lately. Actually, I even told Brent I want to wait to try for a baby. Shocking I know. My reasoning is because I am trying to lose a little weight. I am not big at all, in a healthy range, I just want to look and feel my best before we conceive. Iv been putting my energy and focus on working out and eating healthy do haven't even thought about a baby. My goal date is April 1st. So many April will be the month? It probably helps Brent that I'm not constantly talking about wanting a baby. I feel like if I don't bring it, he won't even think about it. I should learn to listen to him better and trust that he is preparing himself too.  "Be still and know that I am God" psalm 46:10. I have been obsessing, not being still. Maybe if I would have had more patience, been more still, we would be pregnant right now. I am glad I finally learned to be still. I was missing out on the other things that I should be putting my time and energy into. I am definitely at peace where we are in the baby process. It feels good. 

Talk about your ups and downs

My moods change so much! After talking to Brent the other night about how I was feeling, I ended up feeling worse! Brent said he just isn't ready which basically turned into it probably being drug on and on. However the next day and again today he told me that he has been thinking about this a lot and on his own and in about 2 week intervals, seeing if he is ready. AND, he even gave me a date. He said he feels by March he should be a little more prepared. Even though this is further out than February, I feel more at peace. I know he heard me and understood how I felt and he came back to me with how he is feeling. I am very blessed to have Brent as my husband. He brings me back to reality, even if I don't like it at the moment. I am still trying to get prepared and work on things I need to work on and I am actually glad I have more time for that. But I do feel like were a good step ahead of the game... We are both home bodies! It's news year Eve and we are sitting at home, sipping sparkling juice, and playing monopoly. That's a good start ;)

Losing a little hope

Once again, I have decided somehow, a way it would be cute if we started trying this month. The first fertile day would be January 1st. What a way to start off the year! However, I feel like I am losing hope. It now seems that we will be waiting until February. Brent started his own business and we have to wait to make sure everything works out ok. All that makes sense, but I just don't know what would prevent us from trying to conceive. Were still waiting on insurance, but we'll get that. I'm starting to lose hope because I'm afraid Brent's going to come up with something every month. I agree with wanting all our ducks in a row before we start trying, but not becoming too critical. Like I said, you can always come up with a reason for it to not be the right time. Brent knows I feel like this, and he tells me that's not the case, i just wish there was something he could do to get me to really understand. Maybe him setting the date that we start trying, or saying realistically once a,b,c, and d are done. Otherwise I feel like it just drags on. I'm just feeling a little sad I guess. I have so much to be thankful for but I just can't shake this sad feeling this week. It's not exactly a sad feeling, it's like I'm missing someone kind of. Not really jealousy, feeling like you can't wait for that, it's more I want my baby. I was in this sad mood earlier and then we went to Christmas and Brent's cousin and his wife have a 9 month old daughter. It made me feel happy but sad. I honestly can't explain it. Maybe it is just jealousy, I'm not sure. But I am pretty sure my mood and feelings can and probably will change in just a very short matter of time. For now I have to get my mind off this and think, or day dream about something else. 

Are you pregnant?!

 once you get married the next question is, when are going to have a baby. I got my fair share of that question. Now that we've been married for a year (December 22) the question has changed to "are you pregnant". Every thing I do seems like it is so closely watched and that there is a reason for everything I do. Brent and I quite drinking awhile ago and you could just tell people were wondering if it's because I was pregnant and they would try ask in discrete ways. If i were having a bad day and was crabby it seemed like everyone kind of let it slide, incase I were pregnant. Then it started to change from wonder to speculation. If I didn't feel well people would say maybe you're pregnant. Then it changed from speculation to assumption. That where I am now. Last week I wore a regular blouse, maybe a little more flowy, I got asked if I'm hiding a baby bump. My mom called me to see if I were pregnant. When we do get pregnant I'm not going to have to tell anyone, I just won't have to deny their assumptions. At first it didn't bother me, it made excited for when we are expecting and the attention we'll get And how fun it will be to tell everyone. Now it makes me a little sad because I wish I were. Also there is no way I'd be able to keep it a secret until the second trimester. I am so bad at lying, I literally cannot lie so it would be a give away. I am sure when we so get to announce it it will be awesome but I sure wish people would stop assuming I'm pregnant. On a different note, I'm very surprised how patient I am to start trying. I thought I was going to get extremely antsy when January was getting closer but I am pretty relaxed and trying to live in the moment. But don't let that fool you, i still daydream and talk about it ;) and of course like I say every month, this month would be way too perfect to conceive. But for real!!! I am expected to get my period on Christmas, what a perfect gift would that be to find out ON CHRISTMAS! I told you it was perfect. But I'm still relaxed about it. It is now in my head like oh that would cute, but it's not something I want to happen just a cute thought. If I have been able to come up with how perfect the dates are to find out every month, I'm sure I'll be able to continue doing that until we do conceive. 

Fear

I am so scared to be a bad mother that sometimes I think I shouldn't even try. My parents weren't the best and I fear that bad parenting will be passed down to me no matter how hard I try. I think that's why it's so important for me to be 'practicing' on the animals. I want to make sure I am not a bad parent. I know I'll make mistakes, but I'm talking about huge on going issues. I so desperately want to have children so they can hopefully become good people, that make the world better, and to just be truly happy with life and love it. I have been depressed my whole life, and I think fully it's because of how I was raised. What if my mom said the exact same things I am saying and then something jut happened and parenting went out the window. Or what if she really did the best she could. What if I do the best I can but it isn't good enough. I didn't have a lot of positive things to go off of, instead I go off what I don't want to be like. Practice does make perfect and I am glad I have the animals. Brent tells me I will be a great mom. He can tell because of the way I interact with the animals. I hope I can be a good mother. I can't just be selfish and have a kid because I want one. I have to be ready and ready for every single challenge. I am very thankful that we are starting to prepare now for when we try. Getting off all meds, no alcohol, reading the bible, prayer before dinner, going to church. I want those things to be habit for us, so our children will learn to do those things too. I just want to be the best person I possibly can be so my future children will have the best mother they can have. 

Practice makes perfect ; )

I am so excited to be pregnant, waiting for our little one to arrive, reading a million books, going to classes, and still probably having no clue what we are doing. I have never done anything with a baby except hold it. Everyone laughs when I say our cat, Miko, is good practice. When he was little he used to want to be held all the time. After he has a nap he wants to be snuggled. He hates if I leave a room and has to follow me. He loves his butt tapped and you can put him to sleep from it. If he gets scared he always comes right to me. I love to rock him to sleep. I love bouncing him and walking around, he loves it. I realize a cat is nothing like a baby, but for someone who desperately wants a baby, and is trying to be patient, doesn't this seem like a perfect solution? It kind of gives me my baby fix. And we 'parent' our animals and always end up talking about when we have kids and what were going to do and I think having the animals and treating them like kids is great practice. Sometimes I like to be silly, but secretly serious. Tonight I was holding Miko and saying we should practice holding a newborn, so I was supporting his head and gave him to Brent and told him to support his neck. I just get irritated when people say mean things about it. I am not seriously thinking I have to do these things, and I'm not pretending our cat is a baby, I just love doing certain things with him that you would do for a baby. It helps me get my baby fix, and also makes me want a real baby even more. But no matter what anyone says, practice makes perfect ; )